How to talk to your parent about moving into care

As part of our series on how to idnetify the right caree home for you or your loved ones, we talk about how to have that conversation. The one that starts the whole process of choosing a care home, it is all part of the way we work at Somerforde, we want to help make things easy for you and be there when you need our help.

This is the conversation people ring us about more than any other. Not the fees, not the rooms, the conversation. How do I even start? What if she gets upset? What if he refuses? What if I get it wrong?

You will not get it wrong if you go in with love. But there are things that make it much easier, and things that make it much harder, and it is worth knowing which is which before you sit down.

Before you say a word

Do a little thinking on your own first. Not to build a case, but to be clear in your own head.

What is actually worrying you? Write it down. Not "mum is struggling", but the specific things. She has fallen twice this year. She has lost half a stone. She rang me in tears last Tuesday because she could not find her tablets. Being specific helps you talk about what is really happening, rather than a vague sense of decline that is easy to argue with.

What do you want from the conversation? This first talk is almost never the one where a decision gets made. The goal is much smaller. You want them to know you are worried, you want to hear how they feel, and you want to agree, together, to start looking at what might help. That is all. If you go in trying to close a deal, it will feel like an ambush, and it will go badly.

Who else needs to be part of this? Siblings, in particular, need to be aligned before you talk to your parent. If one of you turns up saying "I think it is time", and another rings the next day saying "do not listen to your sister", your parent is put in an impossible position. Have the sibling conversation first, even if it is uncomfortable, so you speak with one voice.

Choose the moment carefully

Not after a fall, when everyone is shaken. Not at Christmas dinner. Not in the car. Not on the phone if you can help it.

The best time is a quiet afternoon, in their own home, with a cup of tea in hand, when there is no pressure and no audience. Sit next to them if you can, rather than opposite. Being side by side takes the edge off a serious talk.

How to open the conversation

Do not lead with "care home". Lead with love, and with worry.

Something like:

"Mum, I have been thinking about you a lot. I wanted to talk about how things have been for you recently. I have noticed a few things and I have been worried, and I did not want to keep it to myself."

Then stop. Let them talk. Really let them. Do not fill the silence. Ask them how they are finding things. Ask what is hard. Ask what they miss doing. You will learn more in ten minutes of listening than in an hour of explaining.

Many parents already know, on some level, that things are getting harder. They may be waiting for permission to admit it. Being asked, gently, is often a relief.

Language that helps, and language that hurts

Small choices of words matter more than you would think.

Not "putting you in a home". Instead, "somewhere where you would be looked after and have some company".

Not "you cannot manage any more". Instead, "I have been worried about how tiring it is for you at the moment".

Not "we have decided". Instead, "I wanted to talk it through with you".

Not "there is no other option". Instead, "let us look at what is out there together".

The point is not to be evasive. The point is that your parent is a whole person with a lifetime of independence behind them, and the words you use decide whether they feel included in the decision or done to.

What to do if they refuse

Very often they will. That does not mean the conversation has failed. It means it is a conversation, not a transaction.

Do not argue in the moment. Do not list evidence. Do not push. Say something like "I understand, and I am not going to force anything. I just wanted you to know I love you and I am worried, and I would like us to keep talking about it." Then let it sit.

Come back to it in a week or two. Bring it up gently, again. Most families we meet have had this conversation half a dozen times before anyone actually visits a home. That is normal. It is a process, not a moment.

If it stays completely stuck, sometimes it helps to bring in a third voice they trust. Their GP. A district nurse. A vicar. Sometimes a parent who will not hear it from their child will hear it from their doctor.

Try day care as a soft first step

If your parent will not talk about moving in, but you can feel things are stretched, day care is often the way through. It is a booked day at a home without staying overnight. Your parent gets a meal, some company, and a change of scene. You get a proper day of rest. And nobody has committed to anything.

We do day care at Somerforde. Many of the people who now live with us permanently started as a day guest. It gave them a chance to know us, and us a chance to know them, before any bigger decision was on the table. It also, quietly, showed them that a care home is not the frightening thing they had imagined.

If you would like to arrange a day, or just talk it through, ring us. We are used to conversations that start with "I do not know if my mum will even come".